I guess blogging about an ongoing relationship is complicated because the stories aren’t just yours, they also belong to someone else you care about. Perhaps it also feels risky to be putting something down as a record when it still feels very early days in the relationship, not wanting to jinx anything or be overly effusive or sickening or naive. For whatever combination of reasons I didn’t blog much last year, even though I was delighted to finally not be single, especially as a somewhat significant birthday came and went. Just as I didn’t shout about the relationship starting, not online anyway, I also didn’t shout about it ending but it’s over now. And Roxette, for my part at least, it must have been love.
Loving someone when you’re pretty sure they don’t love you isn’t to be recommended, but I don’t seem to be wired in a way that lets me hold back until my head and heart agree on something. I should probably be grateful that the object of my affection was a gentleman, and kind, and not someone to take advantage. Still, I got my hopes up and then was very disappointed. And some of you won’t be surprised to hear that those feelings don’t just go away. Someone told me it takes as long to fall out of love with someone as it did to fall for them in the first place.
The thought that struck me, and that provoked this blog and the title in particular, was that I had been focusing a lot on a particular line of a balance sheet. In looking at how much love was coming into my life from one specific direction, and how unbalanced my outgoings in that particular area, I was losing the bigger picture. Accounting for love in my life there is a massive, consistent deposit elsewhere in the chart which totally eclipses anything that any human can offer.
Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us
How high and wide and deep and long is the Father’s love for us
As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high is the measure of your great love
If I can truly grasp how loved I am by God, then any other balances, how much specific people, friends, family love me or whether I spend more time and energy loving them becomes pretty irrelevant. If I can truly receive that love he has for me, then the question only remains, how to spend it.